I had a vision today. I was outside looking at a wall. There is a window that is enclosed in this wall. As I stared into my image reflecting off the glass, my eyes strayed back to the brick (the wall) and I could no longer see myself. I then looked at the wall closer. The wall was made up of smaller bricks. Each brick was small in comparison to the wall. But in total, with the bricks joined with the mortar a wall had been formed. It had created a boundary from what I could see and what I could not.
When I reach out I can touch the wall, and the same with the glass in the window. I can feel both, because my senses allow me to. My fingers tell my brain that there is something there, that there is a limit to what I am able to do. Now this wall had not always been there, man had created it. Years ago the building was nothing more than a piece of land of which if you stood on and looked you could see as far as your eyes would allow you to. (Even without the wall there, we are still limited.)
What I came up with is, life is a series of edges. The homes we live in, the cars that we drive, the faces of people that we love and hate, are all made up of edges. These edges cut away that “being” from the rest of the reality, so that it stands out and allows it to be focused on, and allows it to been seen.
Just like that wall, which is made of smaller, bricks which in turn make up a building. I had placed a limit on what I could allow myself to see, instead of experiencing what was not there. In a matter of speaking my mind had created an image, with an edge. That edge was the limit. What else had I placed limit on?
I began to look around trying to see what was there, but what I should have been doing in trying to focus on is what is not there. I felt the sun on my skin, and for the first time I realized that we are limited and unlimited by our thoughts. I felt the suns warmth, but how did I know what warmth was? Warmth was a feeling; in looser terms it is an emotion. There was a difference between hot and cold. Again my mind had placed a limit that my brain had an edge and on that edge was hot and cold. Somewhere in the middle of these two was WARM. I had placed a limit on my limit. Warm is not hot, warm is not cold, it is neither, but I had limited my thought, I had placed warmth somewhere in my subconscious, and my brain told me that what I was feeling was warm.
I then started noticing more and more things around me, the sounds of radio in my Jeep, was interrupted my the sound of a child yelling across the street and then that sound was hushed by the sound of a truck passing between us. I had placed yet again a limit on what I could hear. I didn’t “listen” to the music on my stereo when I heard the child. I had placed a boundary on the two that allowed me to experience both. I had heard both, but my mind did not allow me to listen to both at the same time. The reasoning behind this is once again the limit to what I have always known. What else had I listened to but not heard, what else had I saw, that I didn’t truly see? These edges of reality had broken what reality was to me.
So then imagine that there are no limits. There are no edges. And for the first time in your life you could see farther than you had ever seen. You could look up and see more than you could ever see, you would see infinity. You would not see the stars and the moon, or galaxies, because these are limits that you have always known. You would be in fact ENDLESS.
I felt strange after this my hands were shaking. I felt that I had opened up a door, not entirely, but just a crack, just enough to allow a light to shine from the other side, the other side of what I had always known to be “true”
I was not on any drug when I saw this, instead my mind seemed to open up, just for a moment and allowed me to see something. Drugs are just like everything else, some say they help you experience “Tune in and Tune out”. Well that in my realm of thinking is wrong, because all the drug does is place another limit on what you see. The drug will wear off and it effects will subside and you will no longer be in that state of unconsciousness. Some need drugs like LSD or psilocybin (mushrooms), to see reality. But as soon as you “tune out” you have already limited yourself. I think that I am beating a dead horse here, let me know what you think.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Super Kinky #69
I had been fighting off the flu for about a week, lying in my apartment, wishing that God would take me so that I would no longer have to deal with the fever shakes and weird hallucinations. I had no money to go to the doctor so I was self-medicating myself quite heavily on Nyquil, Robitusin, Sudafed Dr. Pepper and Marlboro Lights. My days consisted of sweating, freezing and frantic phone calls to my mom to see what I needed to do about the abnormal rise in my body temp. I think I topped out at around 103 degrees. To sum it up, I felt gross, and my apartment smelled like a hobos graveyard.
Sometime one afternoon Steven called me as said he had something that would make me feel better.
“Is it a gun” I asked “cause you can kill me, don’t worry I wont tell anyone”
“No, it is better than that, I will be over in a minute, you need anything?” he asked
“Bullets, and a pack of cigarettes” I pleaded.
He showed up about ½ an hour later with a pack of Marlboros.
“You look like shit” he said, and handed me a cassette tape
On the cassette label were the crudely written words Super Kinky #69.
A porno
Great thanks Steve, just what I need to calm this fever, some weird sexual scenario that I would never comprehend. I would wind up worse off than I already was, which at that point I did not think could be possible.
After much debate, arguing the fact that I did not think I could handle watching a porno at the present time he popped in the tape.
“You are going to get a kick out of this,” he said with a smile on his face.
As soon as the flick started I remember thinking
“I know those sheets”
But for a split second I ignored my thoughts thinking that the blood boiling in my brain and the infection slowly killing my body.
But then I saw Devon, Stevens’s ex-girlfriend, and she was naked. Then I heard Stevens voice, and then I saw Stevens’s fat naked body in what I like to call the “mirror shot”.
Steve was laughing uncontrollably and pointing at the TV screen.
“Dude, this is fucking weird, seriously turn it off,” I thought to myself, but the words did not make it to my mouth. Instead I just watched and laughed along with Steven as he and his girlfriend made fuck on my TV.
The whole thing was over in about 10 minutes, after the deed was done, Steve interviewed her about what they had just done. I have to admit it was classic, but also really weird. Watching porn in which one of your buddies is the star is something that I would never recommend.
“What do you think?” He said after the tape faded to a gray snow on the screen on the 24-inch Megatron television.
“Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin on what level of weird that was” I said “ but I have to admit it was funny.”
Steve said that he was going to keep the tape at my house, he still lived with his parents and he did not want them to find the tape. I agreed.
“Don’t show anyone,” he said.
“Don’t fucking worry about that, I think your image of your wiener is burned into my retinas, I don’t think I will ever be watching that ever again” I said.
He left and went to work. I crashed out, the bottle of Nyquil that I had been sipping on during the show had caught up with me, and it was now time to go into a coma for a while.
The phone woke me up around nine o clock. It was dark outside. I was trying to determine how long I had been asleep when I answered
“Hello?”
“Bring the tape over to the house.” Wes said
“What tape?” I asked
“Super Kinky #69” he said
“I have no idea what you are talking about” I said.
“Quit being a fag, Steve told me about the tape” Wes yelled back.
“Fuck you, I am sick, I feel like death, if you want to watch it you will have to come over here because I am not leaving, there is no way that I can drive” I said.
“I will be there in a minute” He said, and sure enough minutes later my apartment was full of my fraternity brothers, all demanding to see the tape that I had promised not to show anyone.
I called Steve on his cell phone
“Can they watch it?” I asked
“Yeah sure, what the fuck?” he said.
Minutes later the ackward love fest started again, and I lay on my couch hacking up chunks of my lung and smoking cigarettes.
“Holy shit dude he is fat.” Someone said
“Devon has sweet tits”
"So does he!"
We all sat and watch and laughed. Then they left, left me alone to die of what I was beginning to believe was the start of a new strain of flu that no one had ever heard of, and this porno had helped infect others, It could in fact the porno that would end the world, or at least this is what I came up with as I laid on my couch watching the white and gray snow speckles on the screen on the TV and I passed out again.
I awoke the next morning, feeling like a million dollars. My fever had finally broken during the night, and for the first time in a week I felt like going outside.
I walked down to the JBK at school, as soon as I entered the room, everyone at our table started to laugh about the tape they had see at my house the night before.
The president of the chapter walked over to me and said that he was very disappointed in me; he thought that I possessed better judgment than this. I told him to relax, no one would see the tape besides our guys, and if worse came to worse I would just destroy the tape, and it would be like the whole thing never even happened.
But that would have been too easy, by the end of the day the word had spread to the sorierty that Devon was pledging that I had a video of her having sex.
If people could have just learned to keep their mouths shut, things would have been cool, but nope that would have been to easy.
My sister called me that afternoon saying that she had heard about the tape and wanted to know if I was involved. She was the advisor for the Greek Council at the school, so if I had kicked out of school, she would have been the one to do it. Ironic…. don’t you think?
I told her that I had no idea what she was even talking about, and she believed me, or at least said she believed me.
So it was at this point that I knew the tape had to be destroyed. It was hitting too close to home, and there was no way that I was going to get kicked out of school over a stupid video of two people having consensual sex. (The delta girls had turned it into way more than that)
Steven had gone out of town that morning to visit his fiancé. Yeah that’s right his fiancé. And Wes and I destroyed the tape in his garage, only after watching it one more time. We also had managed to drink a large amount of beer and Jagermeister, and decided that gasoline and matches would be a suitable death for the tape. We placed Super Kinky 69 in to a small portable grill that we usually used to cook steaks, inside his garage. We soaked the tape in gas and tossed a match.
WHOOOSH! The flames licked the roof of the garage and for a second or two I thought the whole house would go up in flames, but the gas burned fast and soon a flame about a foot tall destroyed all the evidence that existed. We sat in the garage inhaling the fumes from the gasoline and burning plastic. When the flames died down, we each took our turns pissing on the smoldering mess of plastic and burnt tape. Then we went back into Wes’s house and drank more beer.
Sometime one afternoon Steven called me as said he had something that would make me feel better.
“Is it a gun” I asked “cause you can kill me, don’t worry I wont tell anyone”
“No, it is better than that, I will be over in a minute, you need anything?” he asked
“Bullets, and a pack of cigarettes” I pleaded.
He showed up about ½ an hour later with a pack of Marlboros.
“You look like shit” he said, and handed me a cassette tape
On the cassette label were the crudely written words Super Kinky #69.
A porno
Great thanks Steve, just what I need to calm this fever, some weird sexual scenario that I would never comprehend. I would wind up worse off than I already was, which at that point I did not think could be possible.
After much debate, arguing the fact that I did not think I could handle watching a porno at the present time he popped in the tape.
“You are going to get a kick out of this,” he said with a smile on his face.
As soon as the flick started I remember thinking
“I know those sheets”
But for a split second I ignored my thoughts thinking that the blood boiling in my brain and the infection slowly killing my body.
But then I saw Devon, Stevens’s ex-girlfriend, and she was naked. Then I heard Stevens voice, and then I saw Stevens’s fat naked body in what I like to call the “mirror shot”.
Steve was laughing uncontrollably and pointing at the TV screen.
“Dude, this is fucking weird, seriously turn it off,” I thought to myself, but the words did not make it to my mouth. Instead I just watched and laughed along with Steven as he and his girlfriend made fuck on my TV.
The whole thing was over in about 10 minutes, after the deed was done, Steve interviewed her about what they had just done. I have to admit it was classic, but also really weird. Watching porn in which one of your buddies is the star is something that I would never recommend.
“What do you think?” He said after the tape faded to a gray snow on the screen on the 24-inch Megatron television.
“Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin on what level of weird that was” I said “ but I have to admit it was funny.”
Steve said that he was going to keep the tape at my house, he still lived with his parents and he did not want them to find the tape. I agreed.
“Don’t show anyone,” he said.
“Don’t fucking worry about that, I think your image of your wiener is burned into my retinas, I don’t think I will ever be watching that ever again” I said.
He left and went to work. I crashed out, the bottle of Nyquil that I had been sipping on during the show had caught up with me, and it was now time to go into a coma for a while.
The phone woke me up around nine o clock. It was dark outside. I was trying to determine how long I had been asleep when I answered
“Hello?”
“Bring the tape over to the house.” Wes said
“What tape?” I asked
“Super Kinky #69” he said
“I have no idea what you are talking about” I said.
“Quit being a fag, Steve told me about the tape” Wes yelled back.
“Fuck you, I am sick, I feel like death, if you want to watch it you will have to come over here because I am not leaving, there is no way that I can drive” I said.
“I will be there in a minute” He said, and sure enough minutes later my apartment was full of my fraternity brothers, all demanding to see the tape that I had promised not to show anyone.
I called Steve on his cell phone
“Can they watch it?” I asked
“Yeah sure, what the fuck?” he said.
Minutes later the ackward love fest started again, and I lay on my couch hacking up chunks of my lung and smoking cigarettes.
“Holy shit dude he is fat.” Someone said
“Devon has sweet tits”
"So does he!"
We all sat and watch and laughed. Then they left, left me alone to die of what I was beginning to believe was the start of a new strain of flu that no one had ever heard of, and this porno had helped infect others, It could in fact the porno that would end the world, or at least this is what I came up with as I laid on my couch watching the white and gray snow speckles on the screen on the TV and I passed out again.
I awoke the next morning, feeling like a million dollars. My fever had finally broken during the night, and for the first time in a week I felt like going outside.
I walked down to the JBK at school, as soon as I entered the room, everyone at our table started to laugh about the tape they had see at my house the night before.
The president of the chapter walked over to me and said that he was very disappointed in me; he thought that I possessed better judgment than this. I told him to relax, no one would see the tape besides our guys, and if worse came to worse I would just destroy the tape, and it would be like the whole thing never even happened.
But that would have been too easy, by the end of the day the word had spread to the sorierty that Devon was pledging that I had a video of her having sex.
If people could have just learned to keep their mouths shut, things would have been cool, but nope that would have been to easy.
My sister called me that afternoon saying that she had heard about the tape and wanted to know if I was involved. She was the advisor for the Greek Council at the school, so if I had kicked out of school, she would have been the one to do it. Ironic…. don’t you think?
I told her that I had no idea what she was even talking about, and she believed me, or at least said she believed me.
So it was at this point that I knew the tape had to be destroyed. It was hitting too close to home, and there was no way that I was going to get kicked out of school over a stupid video of two people having consensual sex. (The delta girls had turned it into way more than that)
Steven had gone out of town that morning to visit his fiancé. Yeah that’s right his fiancé. And Wes and I destroyed the tape in his garage, only after watching it one more time. We also had managed to drink a large amount of beer and Jagermeister, and decided that gasoline and matches would be a suitable death for the tape. We placed Super Kinky 69 in to a small portable grill that we usually used to cook steaks, inside his garage. We soaked the tape in gas and tossed a match.
WHOOOSH! The flames licked the roof of the garage and for a second or two I thought the whole house would go up in flames, but the gas burned fast and soon a flame about a foot tall destroyed all the evidence that existed. We sat in the garage inhaling the fumes from the gasoline and burning plastic. When the flames died down, we each took our turns pissing on the smoldering mess of plastic and burnt tape. Then we went back into Wes’s house and drank more beer.
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